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    Would you guys mind...


    Join Date : 2012-03-05
    Posts : 95
    Somewhere in Equestria

    Would you guys mind...

    Post by Fluttershy on Fri Jun 01, 2012 2:53 am

    If possible, Would guys be able to critique my Writing class paper?
    It's a short fanfic based around PewDiePie and his videos. I've gotten Kun and my friend Miledy to read it so far, but I'd really like to hear more feedback.

    I'll have it in the spoiler, mark chapters, fix spelling mistakes, and things Kun caught when he read it.
    One more thing, each "Chapter" Is about a paragraph or more.

    Chapt.1 - Jennifer:
    Once, a long time ago. I was walking down the sidewalk, wandering around my town, when i saw the strange, huge rock on the sidewalk. I walked up to it and saw it was moving and looking around! So I slowly went up to it and said, “Hello?” The rock turned around and sobbed, “Hello? Have you seen someone named Pewdie (Pronounced PEW-dee) around? I’ve been rolling everywhere!” The name was familiar. From what I knew, Pewdie was a lets player that plays horror games like “Amnesia, the Dark Desent”, “Happy Wheels”, “Cry of Fear”, and “Ao Oni.” And that this rock took name of “Jennifer.” From my point I figured this was a Bro (Fan of Pewdie in this instance) trying to pull pranks on other bros. So I kneeled down and told Her/it, “I sadly haven’t. But I will sure tell you if I do, alright?” I had planned on saying her name, but I figured that might be a little strange. She replied, “Please do! I really do want to see him again!” I nodded and I continued walking down the sidewalk. It started to get dark.
    Chapt.2 - The Mansion:
    I suddenly found a Mantion on the outskirts of town while walking. At the moment I didn’t realize what it was. I wasn’t thinking properly. I started to walk towards it, as the house had an aura that made you want to go into it. When I got somewhat close to the door, a Blue Demon (Ao Oni!)came bursting out! I wanted to scream and run but I stood there as the Oni came closer and closer, but before it could get to me, the colours of Gold and Green shot past, taking the Oni out. I shook my head in confusion and looked at the figures. It had become nightfall and I could see them better. One seemed to be made intirely of gold. The other seemed to be a chair with moving legs. I recognized these two at once, from my bro nature. I had realized I was saved by Stephano and Mr. Chair.
    Chapt.3 - Stephano and Mr. Chair:
    They walked towards me. I had been sitting near a hedge and holding my knees. Mr. Chair ‘stood’ infront of me. He talked in the robotic and high voice Pewdie had used with him. “Are you okay? Are you hurt in any way?” I looked up and shook my head. I stood up and brushed off. Mr. Chair continued, “You must be wary! This house is full of Demons that will basicly eat you.” Stephano had talked for the first time since he appeared. He was in the same voice Pewdie used. I always thought it was an Italian type voice? I had no idea. “Or they can drive you insane first. Pewdie said that Takashi was driven to suicide because of this demonized house.” I looked down to the ground and thought. I remembered that part. Takashi.. He led his friends into that house..(From what I remember was himself, Mika, Takuro, and Hiroshi, Who was Pewdie's character… )Mr. Chair spoke again, “So, what is your name?” I thought for a second. “My name is Cheyenne.” “Erm.. Not really approirate for this type of place.” He nudged Stephano. “Try and make an more, relatable name for her.” Stephano looked like he was thinking. “I think PewdiePinkmena will work, As of which we will mainly call you Pinkmena.”
    (Credit to Kun who came up with the name at the end.)

    Chapt.4 - Another Dimension:
    We made our way around the house. We used allyways to get around bros.(In this Instant, bros are unhinged-jaw creatures.) Most of the way we were all silent. I was thinking about this world. I was strange and different from the reality we all knew. It was like being in another dimention. After sometime I worked up the guts to speak, "What is this place? Why am I here?" Mr. Chair was the only one to respond. "We don't know why. People from other worlds have been showing up everywhere. Most of them bros.(Fans) We've been trying to save them, but it seems the BROS(Monsters) got to them before us. You were lucky we were nearby, or you would have been turned into an Ao Oni!" I cringed at the thought. "So, whats going to happen? Where are we going to?" I asked again. "We're going to find Pewdie. So we'll have to pay that.. Crazy couple a visit again. I never wished to see them again." I wondered who these people could be.. After an hour or so, we arrived at a pair of apartments. I remembered the door Pewdie had faced many times. I was outside the apartment 'Facade' Takes place in.

    Chapt.5 - The Average Facade round with Pewdie.:
    There was yelling from inside. It was normal when Pewdie was playing. But it had seemed he had been there for a long while. He probably didn't even notice what had been happening. I quietly walked up too the door and pressed my ear on it. The yelling was more clear then before. Of course, Trip and Grace where arguing like an old married couple over the last bowl of Total. Pewdie would start talking every once in a while. Stephano pulled me back from the door. "I believe the game will end soon. I think Pewdie's patience is wearing low." I looked back at the door. The yelling could be heard away from the door now. Suddenly, Pewdie was shouting, "I'M TIRED OF THIS!" I in pictured what was happening in my head. Almost right after Pewdie had yelled that, he shouted, "TRIP. MELON!" Trip had then pushed Pewdie outside of the door. He pounded on it and waited. He didn't even turn around.

    Chapt.6 - Meeting Pewdie:
    Pewdie continued banging on the door. Stephano did his 'Usual' greeting when seeing Pewdie. "Halos Pewdie." Pewdie turned around in a hurry and smiled while his eyes glittered, "Stephano!!" I could sense that Pewdie wanted to tackle him in joy. "Pewdie," Mr. Chair spoke up. "There's some BIG trouble happening! Bros are being transported to our world." "Bros!? They're all in danger! WHY DIDN'T YOU COME HERE AND TELL ME SOONER!??" Stephano spoke, trying to calm Pewdie. "We were busy RESCUING the fans, Pewdie. Do you not even see one in this very room?" Pewdie looked behind Mr. Chair and Stephano to see me. My face probably went somewhat red. "Oh. I didn't realize. I'm sorry." Pewdie looked down on the ground. Stephano put his hand on Pewdie's shoulder. "We forgive you, but we must not take anymore time to waste. We need to hustle. We have bros to save."

    Chapt.7 - 'Home':
    We ran to Pewdie HQ(Pewdie's House.)Him and Stephano we're looking for a way to open portals. I stood with Mr. Chair. I looked around without moving. I even saw Pewdie's computer sitting there. Mr. Chair suddenly spoke, "If you will all excuse me.. CHAIRMODE ACTIVATED! *Boop*" Mr. Chair had gone into his actual chair form. He was as motionless as solid bedrock. I had slowly drowsed out and almost dropped when suddenly, Pewdie had found something on portals. He took the book and put it on the table. We all sat down and looked at the chapter called 'The Opening and Closing of Portals.' We read until we got to the part about opening them. We all where confused when we found out why they had opened. Pewdie was reading it out-loud. "Portals open once every 1000 years. As they are natural occurrences they can not be opened or closed by force." I was sad to find out that I had no chance of returning home. That I would be stuck in this place forever. I banged my head on the table and grabbed my hair. Pewdie and Stephano were talking. Finnaly they stood up. "Pinkmena." I looked at them and stood up. "We can't get you home, but we want to give you a place of honor." My eyes twinkled a little. "What would that be?" "We want to make you a statue of epicness like Stephano." "R-Really.. I would be grateful for such an honor!" "Do you see the Onyx Pedestal? Stand there." I went over and stood on it. I made the Super Smash Brothers Brawl Princess Zelda pose when she was a statue and waited. Suddenly everything seemed lighter and I came out as a completely black statue. "We're glad to have a new friend with us. Hopefully you'll prove to be a good decision."

    And scene.

    Last edited by Fluttershy on Fri Jun 01, 2012 3:10 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Chapt.4 Fixes)

      Current date/time is Mon Jul 23, 2018 5:04 am